By Diane Warshofsky
Living a life of compassion allows you to be connected to yourself and others. Compassion promotes well-being mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Did you know that compassion has two components? Most are aware of the nurturing, warm, and caring side. A person who is compassionate can place themselves in another’s shoes rather than reacting. This stance allows you to support others from a place of genuine care or love. This results in the ability to validate others and even “agree to disagree” with grace instead of holding a grudge.
It Starts with Self-Compassion
Remember, we cannot give what we do not have. Meaning, to show compassion to others, one needs to experience self-compassion. This mindset begins with challenging negative thoughts that lead to self-criticism or judgment. You do not need to feel as though you are being held hostage by negative thought loops. Accepting that we are perfectly imperfect humans can allow you to experience the freedom to let go.
The other side of compassion is one’s ability to be calm and confident in their responses to life’s circumstances. This is a sense of justice: seeing the truth and the need to respond appropriately to a situation. This experience happens after you have been able to process your feelings about a person or circumstances. Thoughts about the experience are clear once the emotions are named, felt, and shared (e.g. with another person, during spiritual practices, in a personal journal).
So what does this look like in real life?
Balancing the two sides of compassion can feel tricky. Like anything else, this skill becomes natural over time with consistent practice. You can determine whether you want to support others from a place of genuine care or to respond out of a sense of justice. This might seem complicated, but let’s break this down into a simple scenario: You have been planning a special weekend getaway for over a year. Your friend tells you at the last minute that they are unavailable to watch your dog for that weekend. They mention their plans to go to a concert out of town.
First, notice how you are feeling. Know that multiple feelings can come up. The first one many people experience is anger. When you sit with the anger, you might recognize you also feel hurt (“thought I could count on them”), anxious (“who’s going to watch my dog?”), and disappointed (“I thought they knew how important this was for me”).
Second, validate your own distress. Remember self-compassion has a tender tone and is an “I” statement. For example, you may acknowledge: “Of course I am hurt. A lot of thought and effort went into my plans, and now things have changed.”
Check your thoughts about the circumstance. This is where it’s important to keep self-talk in check. Negative self-talk happens; we tend to make assumptions about situations or people because there is incomplete information or unprocessed emotion. The goal is to be able to recognize and respect our own feelings while planning a response that is rational. For instance: “I am very disappointed that they did not follow through. When I am ready, I will talk to them.”
Keep your boundaries. Take space and time to process in order to decide how or if you are going to address the situation with this friend. At times we may recognize that this is a pattern in the relationship, and we need to accept this person cannot be depended on in this way (i.e. realization of truth). You may recognize that the concert was a unique opportunity, and a last-minute change of plans is forgivable. This conclusion leaves room for further communication about the experience with this friend (i.e. care for the relationship).
Increase your compassion (for self and/or others). This happens as we recognize that all of us make mistakes, and overall, there are many good-willed people. This allows for mental energy to follow through on healthy boundaries and communication.
At Evoke Mind and Body, we are here to support you, no matter where you are in your journey. Calling us for support could be the first act of self-compassion that leads to a lifelong practice.
For more information on self-compassion see:
- Mindfully Yogi
- Center for Mindful Self-Compassion
- Mindful Self-compassion Workbook by Kristin Neff and Chris Germer (2018) by Hugo Alberts (PhD) and Lucinda Poole (PsyD)
